(Day 4) Proudly drug addict

 

 Since I started to using druggs (weed, tobacco and alcohol) and going to parties / raves where drugs abound, I began to view drugs as something that made me a more interesting, quirky and "open-minded" person (since several drugs, especially hallucinogens such as the so-called power plants, are related to introspection and self-knowledge, to enlighting and other things that are related to hippie / counterculture movements, meditation, psychological therapies, etc.) among other things / ideas, because of what I believed that by taking drugs I was someone interesting, wise and so on, without seeing or realizing that this was just one more label for my ego, for what I tended and still tend (regardless of whether I no longer use several / most of the drugs that I used to use) to express myself and participate in drug talks with my colleagues / friends as if using drugs is something positive or something that do not create disastrous consequences in the lives of addicts when they use them with the starting point of fun, relaxation or to be someone of "open mind" ... later I will talk about the points related to my personal relationship with drugs in another blog ... the point I want to make here is that although I no longer use drugs (with psychoactive, psychedelic, and / or extremely stimulant drugs more than anything, since I am still addicted to tobacco and coffee) I still have the tendency to laugh and participate in drug talks, where I usually express myself as if it were cool and fun, regardless of the fact that part of me knows that drug use is not a game, since I have had quite a few disastrous and traumatic experiences (such as to get to have psychotic breakouts) and I have screwed up my life too much by being addicted to various drugs from an early age, but still sometimes I prefer to play / participate in such talks to go with the flow (or for fear of going against the flow) and to include myself in my work circle of relationships, as well as with some acquaintances and friends, since it is very common for many people to see drugs and alcohol as something fun and not harmful or as fun / relaxing justify the harmful / disastrous consequences of being addicted to drugs / alcohol.

 Something I see / realize now is that not only do I tend to joke, laugh or take the drug topic / talk lightly because of the pattern / habit of seeing drug use as cool; rather, by allowing myself to continue participating in this point of view / pattern, both in my thoughts and in conversations with my colleagues / friends, - I continue to leave some back doors open in my mind that push me to relapse into some intense drugs that I have been able to quit, as well as this leads me to justify the constant use of drugs that are not as intense as alcohol, marijuana, sedatives and tobacco, since this makes me minimize the consequences of relapsing or increasing the use of the drugs that I still use ocationally. A clear example of this is that now that I was able to get a better job thanks to a friend recommending me in his job and thanks to that I was able to enter to work there, - then when I started working there my friend suggested me that we may go to drink a beer to talk and due to the pattern / custom I have, I agreed without tiinking it much and thhen I went to have a drink with my friend and other work colleagues and the consequence of that is that now my friend and several work colleagues invite me to drink and if I do not define my purpose in this obviously I will continue to allow myself to drink more often with them and slowly but surely I will allow myself to do more and other types of drugs because I have alcohol related to tobacco, marijuana, masturbation and then it becomes easy for me to do other stronger drugs, so I consider that it is necessary that I take / determine my process of stopping and taking seriously or at least commit to allowing myself to drink a bit in long periods of time, since currently I have no anxiety about drinking alcohol and I do not want to start generating dependence again and I consider that I can commit to allowing myself to drink every 3 months (approximately) so as not to generate dependence / addiction by being able to do so voluntarily and not by anxiety / urge or habit / addiction. 

In conclusion I see / realize that if I continue to have this pattern / habit of just laughing and participating in my mind and in drug talks with friends / colleagues expressing myself freshly without considering the consequences of this, - it is obvious that I will continue to have excuses / back doors open in my mind to allow me to relapse into those intense drugs that until now I have been able to stop, as well as it is obvious that if I continue like this I will also continue to allow myself to continue constantly consuming those seemingly harmless drugs such as marijuana and alcohol and not only that, but also if I continued to participate and express myself in this way about drugs, I will also influence those who do not have much notion / idea / experience of what it is to use drugs and be addicted and their respective consequences, because like many people (just like me) it usually expresses themselves indifferently on such a subject and this leads to thinking of those who do not know the world of drugs as if it were more than anything fun. In fact, in my work there are several young minors and I see that they are being negatively influenced on this issue / topic (and others more like sex) by other older colleagues and this leads me to remember that in the past I was also a deluded victim of such talks, which led me to think that using drugs was easy and fun and which is an abuse that easily goes unnoticed and is even applauded…; I also do not consider that taking a moral stance against drugs / drug addiction is something that works because I would only be going to the opposite extreme in separation from myself and creating an alternate ego or a false moral, but I consider that at least I can be honest and objective in clarifying that drugs use is not just anything or just fun, so I can best share my experience when talking about drugs seriously or take the initiative to be conscious of joking with those who know the topic and if there is someone who has no experience / notion, I can clarify that although I / we joked about it, it is not advisable to believe / think that drugs alone (or mostly) are fun / relaxing / etc, since personally I would have liked to have been able to listen and consider this in my puberty and adolescence to consider the possible mental damages / disorders that can arise from excessive consumption and misuse of drugs, because personally I have gone through many difficult experiences that have marked me for life for being an addict to various types of drugs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that drugs made me be more than I really am.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to identify myself as an essentially drug addict to the degree of being proud of it for the ideas / beliefs that I previously considered, such as being someone more interesting, wise and open-minded person due to the fact of using drugs and altering my consciousness with such drugs that led me to "see and understand reality" from other perspectives.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for thinking / believing that by using drugs and meditation I would be able to transcend my ego and be something better for myself and for others, without seeing, realizing or understanding that that I was not going to help me to really do something that is better for me and for others, beyond my ideal / belief, much less I was going to be able to transcend my ego, since as long as I have a mind that is impossible (lol), However, I believed it and from that belief I convinced and influenced several people / friends by saying that it was the best and that it was possible.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to participate / comment / express myself fresh and fun about drugs out of habit / pattern without seeing or realizing how it affects / influences me in my process and those who do not know the world of drugs.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to laugh and participate in the funny talk about drugs from the starting point of seeking approval / inclusion from my friends and co-workers, without seeing or realizing that apart that this leads me to minimize / rationalize and justify my use of drugs, besides I also influence in (the perception of) those who do not know the world of drugs and its possible consequences.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself not to see, realize or understand that my participation / pattern in the funny talk about drugs leads me to continue creating / forming more relationships with drug addicts or drug users who influence myself.

When and as I see myself wanting to participate (both in my mind and) with my co-workers / friends in fun drug talks, from the starting point of seeking approval / inclusion, I stop and breathe to see / realize what it is. my starting point in such an urge to weigh in and participate in such talks and if I choose to participate in such talks to joke around a bit, I commit myself to being aware of whether there is anyone who could be influenced and clarify that drugs are not a game, regardless of how many of us take it lightly.

I realize that talking / chatting and joking about drugs, is something that is not only spoken in vain, regardless of the fact that when joking one does not do it seriously and honestly, but still the words (even if they are not alive and aligned with what one truly is) have an effect on our reality and are not just "words fly away", but can affect those who have no notion of what is being spoken, so for some people who do not have a lot of common sense, they will probably take the drug issue as something cool, fun or as something that serves to open the mind, transcend the ego, etc (just like it happened to me).

I commit myself to continue investigating and questioning the whys / motives / reasons why I continue to identify with drugs to such a degree that if I don't take drugs and if I don't keep talking positively and amusingly about drugs, I feel that I am not "me same".

I commit myself to stop participating in drug talk (from a cool / funny point of view) from the starting point / with (the subconscious) intention to feel included with those who usually do it in my circle of co-workers / friends.

I commit myself to honestly and objectively assist and support those who are tempted / curious to start using drugs to see what it feels like and share my understanding and experience of being a multiple substance addict with them.

I commit to myself to push myself to have the initiative to go through my resistance to start relating to people who can help me grow / improve and perfect myself so that I can do something that is better for myself and for others.

I commit myself not to accept or allow my fear / resistance to form new relationships to stop me and right here I commit myself to get out of the comfort zone in relation to the relationships that I form from my personal programming of being a proud / compliant drug addict, to be able to change my type of relationships with people who are really doing something practical to do something better for themselves and for others, since I understand that the people with whom I relate the most are the people who They influence my life, regardless of whether in my mind / ego / personality I believe that I can have any type of relationships and only take the best of them or that I can have toxic relationships and not be affected or influenced by them. (In fact, this point /  believe of being able to have any type of relationships and believing that they do not influence me if I "do not allow it" is something that I will write / walk about later in my process because I see that a part of me still believes that this is possible).

• Any questions, comments or suggestions are welcome... thanks for reading.