(Day 4) Proudly drug addict

 

 Since I started to using druggs (weed, tobacco and alcohol) and going to parties / raves where drugs abound, I began to view drugs as something that made me a more interesting, quirky and "open-minded" person (since several drugs, especially hallucinogens such as the so-called power plants, are related to introspection and self-knowledge, to enlighting and other things that are related to hippie / counterculture movements, meditation, psychological therapies, etc.) among other things / ideas, because of what I believed that by taking drugs I was someone interesting, wise and so on, without seeing or realizing that this was just one more label for my ego, for what I tended and still tend (regardless of whether I no longer use several / most of the drugs that I used to use) to express myself and participate in drug talks with my colleagues / friends as if using drugs is something positive or something that do not create disastrous consequences in the lives of addicts when they use them with the starting point of fun, relaxation or to be someone of "open mind" ... later I will talk about the points related to my personal relationship with drugs in another blog ... the point I want to make here is that although I no longer use drugs (with psychoactive, psychedelic, and / or extremely stimulant drugs more than anything, since I am still addicted to tobacco and coffee) I still have the tendency to laugh and participate in drug talks, where I usually express myself as if it were cool and fun, regardless of the fact that part of me knows that drug use is not a game, since I have had quite a few disastrous and traumatic experiences (such as to get to have psychotic breakouts) and I have screwed up my life too much by being addicted to various drugs from an early age, but still sometimes I prefer to play / participate in such talks to go with the flow (or for fear of going against the flow) and to include myself in my work circle of relationships, as well as with some acquaintances and friends, since it is very common for many people to see drugs and alcohol as something fun and not harmful or as fun / relaxing justify the harmful / disastrous consequences of being addicted to drugs / alcohol.

 Something I see / realize now is that not only do I tend to joke, laugh or take the drug topic / talk lightly because of the pattern / habit of seeing drug use as cool; rather, by allowing myself to continue participating in this point of view / pattern, both in my thoughts and in conversations with my colleagues / friends, - I continue to leave some back doors open in my mind that push me to relapse into some intense drugs that I have been able to quit, as well as this leads me to justify the constant use of drugs that are not as intense as alcohol, marijuana, sedatives and tobacco, since this makes me minimize the consequences of relapsing or increasing the use of the drugs that I still use ocationally. A clear example of this is that now that I was able to get a better job thanks to a friend recommending me in his job and thanks to that I was able to enter to work there, - then when I started working there my friend suggested me that we may go to drink a beer to talk and due to the pattern / custom I have, I agreed without tiinking it much and thhen I went to have a drink with my friend and other work colleagues and the consequence of that is that now my friend and several work colleagues invite me to drink and if I do not define my purpose in this obviously I will continue to allow myself to drink more often with them and slowly but surely I will allow myself to do more and other types of drugs because I have alcohol related to tobacco, marijuana, masturbation and then it becomes easy for me to do other stronger drugs, so I consider that it is necessary that I take / determine my process of stopping and taking seriously or at least commit to allowing myself to drink a bit in long periods of time, since currently I have no anxiety about drinking alcohol and I do not want to start generating dependence again and I consider that I can commit to allowing myself to drink every 3 months (approximately) so as not to generate dependence / addiction by being able to do so voluntarily and not by anxiety / urge or habit / addiction. 

In conclusion I see / realize that if I continue to have this pattern / habit of just laughing and participating in my mind and in drug talks with friends / colleagues expressing myself freshly without considering the consequences of this, - it is obvious that I will continue to have excuses / back doors open in my mind to allow me to relapse into those intense drugs that until now I have been able to stop, as well as it is obvious that if I continue like this I will also continue to allow myself to continue constantly consuming those seemingly harmless drugs such as marijuana and alcohol and not only that, but also if I continued to participate and express myself in this way about drugs, I will also influence those who do not have much notion / idea / experience of what it is to use drugs and be addicted and their respective consequences, because like many people (just like me) it usually expresses themselves indifferently on such a subject and this leads to thinking of those who do not know the world of drugs as if it were more than anything fun. In fact, in my work there are several young minors and I see that they are being negatively influenced on this issue / topic (and others more like sex) by other older colleagues and this leads me to remember that in the past I was also a deluded victim of such talks, which led me to think that using drugs was easy and fun and which is an abuse that easily goes unnoticed and is even applauded…; I also do not consider that taking a moral stance against drugs / drug addiction is something that works because I would only be going to the opposite extreme in separation from myself and creating an alternate ego or a false moral, but I consider that at least I can be honest and objective in clarifying that drugs use is not just anything or just fun, so I can best share my experience when talking about drugs seriously or take the initiative to be conscious of joking with those who know the topic and if there is someone who has no experience / notion, I can clarify that although I / we joked about it, it is not advisable to believe / think that drugs alone (or mostly) are fun / relaxing / etc, since personally I would have liked to have been able to listen and consider this in my puberty and adolescence to consider the possible mental damages / disorders that can arise from excessive consumption and misuse of drugs, because personally I have gone through many difficult experiences that have marked me for life for being an addict to various types of drugs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that drugs made me be more than I really am.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to identify myself as an essentially drug addict to the degree of being proud of it for the ideas / beliefs that I previously considered, such as being someone more interesting, wise and open-minded person due to the fact of using drugs and altering my consciousness with such drugs that led me to "see and understand reality" from other perspectives.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for thinking / believing that by using drugs and meditation I would be able to transcend my ego and be something better for myself and for others, without seeing, realizing or understanding that that I was not going to help me to really do something that is better for me and for others, beyond my ideal / belief, much less I was going to be able to transcend my ego, since as long as I have a mind that is impossible (lol), However, I believed it and from that belief I convinced and influenced several people / friends by saying that it was the best and that it was possible.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to participate / comment / express myself fresh and fun about drugs out of habit / pattern without seeing or realizing how it affects / influences me in my process and those who do not know the world of drugs.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to laugh and participate in the funny talk about drugs from the starting point of seeking approval / inclusion from my friends and co-workers, without seeing or realizing that apart that this leads me to minimize / rationalize and justify my use of drugs, besides I also influence in (the perception of) those who do not know the world of drugs and its possible consequences.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself not to see, realize or understand that my participation / pattern in the funny talk about drugs leads me to continue creating / forming more relationships with drug addicts or drug users who influence myself.

When and as I see myself wanting to participate (both in my mind and) with my co-workers / friends in fun drug talks, from the starting point of seeking approval / inclusion, I stop and breathe to see / realize what it is. my starting point in such an urge to weigh in and participate in such talks and if I choose to participate in such talks to joke around a bit, I commit myself to being aware of whether there is anyone who could be influenced and clarify that drugs are not a game, regardless of how many of us take it lightly.

I realize that talking / chatting and joking about drugs, is something that is not only spoken in vain, regardless of the fact that when joking one does not do it seriously and honestly, but still the words (even if they are not alive and aligned with what one truly is) have an effect on our reality and are not just "words fly away", but can affect those who have no notion of what is being spoken, so for some people who do not have a lot of common sense, they will probably take the drug issue as something cool, fun or as something that serves to open the mind, transcend the ego, etc (just like it happened to me).

I commit myself to continue investigating and questioning the whys / motives / reasons why I continue to identify with drugs to such a degree that if I don't take drugs and if I don't keep talking positively and amusingly about drugs, I feel that I am not "me same".

I commit myself to stop participating in drug talk (from a cool / funny point of view) from the starting point / with (the subconscious) intention to feel included with those who usually do it in my circle of co-workers / friends.

I commit myself to honestly and objectively assist and support those who are tempted / curious to start using drugs to see what it feels like and share my understanding and experience of being a multiple substance addict with them.

I commit to myself to push myself to have the initiative to go through my resistance to start relating to people who can help me grow / improve and perfect myself so that I can do something that is better for myself and for others.

I commit myself not to accept or allow my fear / resistance to form new relationships to stop me and right here I commit myself to get out of the comfort zone in relation to the relationships that I form from my personal programming of being a proud / compliant drug addict, to be able to change my type of relationships with people who are really doing something practical to do something better for themselves and for others, since I understand that the people with whom I relate the most are the people who They influence my life, regardless of whether in my mind / ego / personality I believe that I can have any type of relationships and only take the best of them or that I can have toxic relationships and not be affected or influenced by them. (In fact, this point /  believe of being able to have any type of relationships and believing that they do not influence me if I "do not allow it" is something that I will write / walk about later in my process because I see that a part of me still believes that this is possible).

• Any questions, comments or suggestions are welcome... thanks for reading.

(Day 3) My resistance to creating Heaven on Earth.

 

Some time ago I began to see that I usually resist continuing in the process that I have walked up to now with the tools (of Self-Forgiveness, Self-Commitment and the corrective practical application), and commonly I prefer to just think about things and some points that I can touch in my process and that generates a placebo effect where I feel that I am really advancing / changing in my process / life by thinking / considering such things that I want to forgive and change / correct in myself.

In this resistance I have found a pattern related to my previous way of turning to God and his help when I was a believer, where I usually turned to God when some tragedy happened to me or simply when I felt sad / depressed for various reasons or when I had the feeling of feeling very good / at peace with myself, for believing that everything was going to be okay thanks to God (which was nothing objective or specific). And although I never became such a believer as to voluntarily go to church or read the Bible constantly; I still have that tendency / pattern of giving importance to continuing to walk in my process just (or in large part) when something tragic happens to me, when I feel emotionally screwed up, when I see and realize (objectively) how screwed I am or when I feel sentimentally motivated, as if I be inspired by some feeling that prompts me to write things that sound good to me but do not really help me to see and understand that this is just a pleasant but temporary state of mind thinking / feeling that excites me but at the same time It only anesthetizes me in a bliss that leads me to settle for my life as it is.

I have long been able to see, realize and understand that just as when I had my belief that God was a supreme being (as is religiously conceived) or (later) when I began to conceive God as my very essence, as is conceived from the perspective of the “New Age” current, - here I only considered that I was God potentially, without considering what it implies to be a God, beyond the ideal / belief ... then later I realized that that only took me to get stuck for many years in my thoughts / "higher beliefs" / positive feelings, while I did practically nothing productive or REAL in my life / "process", due to the anesthetizing effect of my thoughts / feelings / beliefs / higher purposes that they were quite subjective and unattainable / unrealistic, but nevertheless they served to ideally justify me in my lifestyle, regardless of the fact that several people in my life tried to make me see my propiates inconsistencies and my irresponsibility to "live" in such a way and I only tended to avoid such discussions / confrontations or to react emotionally as I believed / felt that they were attacking me personally, when in reality they were only questioning my ideas / beliefs.

After realizing that such beliefs largely only served to justify my inactivity and irresponsibility in my life, I began to go to the other extreme (in which I still find myself) of seeing everything so negatively and pessimistically to the point of believing that it is too late to really do something that is better for myself and others (contribute to creating Heaven on Earth) and as a result of this I have chosen to judge and react negatively to everything and all those who spread such ideas / religious beliefs / New Age material, without considering that I did not want or could understand or accept the objectivity of those criticisms and judgments that someone else made me in the past because I believed and felt that they were an attack on my person, (since I conceived / perceived such criticisms and judgments as mere personal / prejudiced projections coming from others, by the mere fact that I thinking / believing / considering something different from what they considered); So, How can I expect that my judgments of others (believers) are something that can really helps them to understand their ignorance and irresponsibility, if my criticisms and questions start from a starting point of negatively judging their beliefs and ideals?; If personally I had too much resistance to listen and consider something outside of my beliefs and ideals, regardless of whether the starting point of whoever was questioning me was to help me to see and weigh with logic and common sense the subjectivity and my personal bias that it did not allow me see my incoherence and irresponsibility and where obviously I simply did not listen to those criticisms and judgments with "negative connotations"? ... However, I was only able to realize my incoherence and irresponsibility in this since I started doing the DIP-Lite because when I started to write my issues in Self-Honesty it was when I began to see my things more objectively and at the same time I began to see how subjectively I tended to justify my inconsistencies and irresponsibility with myself and with others, so I understand that in my case it was impossible to listen and understand the objective criticisms that others made me because I was ignorantly trapped in my personal definitions and in my ideals, beliefs and lofty purposes that were true to me, no matter how out of reality they were. So I understand that others (as well as me) are not going to be able to conceive of anything that is beyond their beliefs and ideals if they do not have an understanding of the vocabulary without religious, cultural and personal bias of the words that make up their vocabulary in order to understand (objectively) what they actually are / are not doing by so passionately believing / considering their beliefs.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to continue to justify my resistance to walking my process with the tools by not wanting to continue to question the reasons for my resistance itself.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to settle for the placebo effect created by my thoughts, mental chats, emotions and feelings that I experience when I thinking / considering the points that I can touch in my process.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to continue to delude myself into the belief that I am changing / moving forward in my life / process by the mere fact of thinking about the things I want to do and thus creating an anesthetizing feeling that makes me feel / think that I am changing / improving and therefore I can be calm with myself.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to consider / attach importance to continuing to walk my process only when difficult to digest things happen to me in my life, as I am used / programmed to do so since I was a believer or maybe before.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to continue to justify my irresponsibility with ideals that sound good to me (inside my mind) but are not consistent with my words and actions in reality.

I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to listen and discern the criticisms and judgments that others made to me objectively and with common sense.

I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to see / hear, realize and understand that the questions, criticisms and judgments that others made me in the past (regarding my beliefs and ideals) contained enough reason and common sense, but I could not understand /comprehend because I had (and still have) quite a bias in understanding the words that make up my vocabulary, so I could only perceive (subjectively and emotionally) such criticisms and judgments from others as if they were a personal attack.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to get frustrated by not being able to make others understand that their beliefs are incoherent and make them be irresponsible in reality, without understanding and considering that it is almost impossible for others to understand this, just as I could not do it when I was (and still am) limited in my ability / effectiveness of understanding words.

As and when I see myself thinking and letting go / procrastinating touching the points where I want to keep walking to forgive and correct myself, I stop and breathe to anchor HERE and see that I am just settling with my thoughts and feelings that make me believe that I am doing something about it to change / correct myself within my mind in the NOW; instead of doing something practical in reality / HERE to change / correct myself by touching the points by writing in Self-Honesty.

I realize that when I was a believer of God, as well as when I was a believer of the God within (which I still believe but from a more practical perspective and not just ideally), I only considered this world and what I can learn here, as If it were only a scenario in which I could learn to understand / remember the divinity / my divine essence in order to transcend this world and perhaps ascend from this plane, without considering that in that belief I was not considering the closest thing, which IS and IT IS HERE / in the world itself and therefore I mostly chose to give importance to my destiny / to come in the afterlife and did not consider that on that path I was abdicating many of my responsibilities here on Earth, as well as in my real and objective life, so this was pushing me to only give importance to those things / ideals that seem so "deep, important and elevated" and for what in part now I resist wanting to see and touch the points that "aren't very important” in my process, such as some patterns that I personally do not consider very significant in my being and in my person, such as some programs that do not represent something important that should be considered, but nevertheless I continue to see how these patterns are followed repeating in my day to day and which are details that are accumulating and making something bigger and more significant in my life, as well as in the lives of others and life itself that I affect negatively with my existence by not taking those details into account.

Here I also realize that if I do not consider or begin to touch / walk in my process those points that are apparently not very relevant in myself, eventually I will have to deal with the respective and significant consequences of it for allowing such details to go building up to become something negatively prominent in my life, in the lives of those I affect, and in reality itself. And right here I realize that constancy in my process not only serves to prevent many negative things / consequences in the future; but it also helps me to dig / unearth, understand, forgive and correct my own personal deficient patterns / programs that prevent me from doing what is best for me and others in a practical, objective (and not just ideal) way to be able to to be someone trustworthy and to be able to contribute to doing something that is better for myself and for others and for life in this world, since that is what the reverse engineering of this process is for and that is how it works (7 Year Journey to Life).

(I had too much resistance to start, continue and finish this blog, because personally I did not want to touch / write these points related to my resistance to creating Heaven on Earth, because I consider that talking about religion and beliefs is a very trite topic and not very relevant. However I see that by questioning this I was able to realize that I still maintain the old patterns of only doing something about it when I feel so screwed up or when something motivates me enough to take action, which is one aspect of my dependence on energy / energetic experiences that have always influenced what I do or do not do depending on my mood, as previously I have been too dependent on my emotions and feelings to make / not make decisions in my life).

I commit myself to continue questioning and walking the points related to my resistance to continue advancing in my process.

I commit myself to stop settling for the placebo effect that I experience every time I think about where I can continue to walk in my process and right here I commit myself to being honest with myself to see and discern what I can do to do about it when I think of those ideas that sound great in my mind, to put them into action by doing something practical in reality and not just imagining big things / changes in my mind.

I commit myself to stop negatively judging the ideas of those who believe in God and instead see if I can support them to be aware of their inconsistencies and irresponsibilities, considering them equal to me and if I cannot help them to see their own bias, I commit myself to follow my process so as not to waste my time and not to make others waste their time in arguments to seek to be right. And right here I commit myself to listen to the criticisms and judgments that others share with me, to discern what is objective and to be able to support myself with such advice / explanations that can help me improve in what I cannot see nor understand by myself.

I commit myself to push myself to do what I want and what I have to do without allowing myself to depend on the sentimental energy created by my optimistic / positive thoughts to move myself.

I commit to myself to push myself to do what I want and what I have to do and not allow the emotional energy created by my pessimistic / negative thoughts to keep me from moving myself.