miércoles, 30 de diciembre de 2020

(Day 1) My stagnation in my irresposability (Part 1 & 2)

 Sometimes I get frustrated when I realize how easily I forget to give it the weight and importance that it deserves to take responsibility for my life and the personal issues that I have to deal with since a lot ago; but I just keep abdicating my responsibility even though it is so evident that I am so fucked up and still I prefer to sedate myself in my own way, accepting and allowing myself to continue in my addictions (drugs and / or masturbation with pornography) to try to avoid (at least for a while) the pain and the consequences that I will inevitably have to face (as well as the emotions that personally make me uncomfortable) later in my life / process... before it's too late.

However, I understand that frustration, as well as sadness and depression only lead me to justify my immobility by stagnating in emotion and feeling for thinking that it is useless for me to dust myself off, get up and continue walking and living my life and my process with the tools that I have had for a long time, which also dust along with the abandonment of myself that I experience every time I stop feeling and being aware of my breathing in relatively long periods while I am being directed by the energy and dysfunctional programs of my mind, where I commonly tend to sedate myself in my own way and suppress the fear and my emotions that I often classify as anxiety and thus I justify the use and abuse of sedatives and some other drugs that at the same time they create more anxiety and dependence in me and thus I continue to re-create the same consequences repeatedly in my life, while I fuck myself and everything and everyone those whom I affect directly and indirectly...


So I decided that the best thing for me was to stop judging myself every time I relapsed into my addictions and focus on finding practical solutions to see how to stop and correct myself; instead of creating guilt, shame, pain and sinking in the emotions that this generates / generated in me; However, after committing to myself to stop judging myself in my relapses, I began to go to another extreme / pole where I stopped feeling any emotional / moral weight from relapsing again, which led me to do it more (to relapse more) and more deliberately, to the point of becoming cynical and immoral about feeling no shame at all in accepting my addictions with myself and with most people...; and on the other hand this (my cynical posture) helped me to continue taking charge of my responsibilities (such as working and / or studying) unlike before when I would relapsed and abandoned my jobs and / or studies due to guilt and the emotional / moral weight that I created / felt by judging me for having failed myself in my purpose to stay sober.


It was not until a few days ago that I read this blog of the blogs called: Creation's Journey to Life - Day 311: The Secret to Self-Realisation - that I understood that in order to make a significant / true change in my life it is necessary that I truly and honestly feel the shame for continuing to accept and allow me myself to continue like this, screwing up myself and, incidentally others and life itself.

Previously I have been asking myself, writing, forgiving and committing myself (at certain points that I have observed in myself) to see what I can do (practically) to change and correct myself in my situation of my addictions; but until today I have not been able to correct almost anything in this aspect of my life.

I have never been able to stand firm in my process of continuing in my personal process (writing the points that I observe daily in myself to use the tools in it, aligned with my words and actions or corrective practical application in my reality) of doing what is better for me and others, since feeling stable makes it easier for me to trust myself again and relapse, because I feel relatively well and then little by little I trust myself until I charge my desire to allow myself to fall into my addictions again, and then I end up doing it again voluntarily or involuntarily...

 

Something that I observed lately (thanks to this audio by Marlen Vargas Del Razo from her audio series called Encausarte (in Spanish): Encausarte #94: Suicidio y la Reinvención de Uno Mismo - which helped me reconsider my situation and inspire me to start this) is that after having experienced / gone through one of my more intense and extensive depressions a few years ago, - I was left with a passive emotion / feeling for having wished so much to have never existed and to cease to exist completely so as not to have to deal with all the drama that my life represents to myself and has represented for those who have known me, whom I have affected in one way or another with the consequences of my life / existence, where (as you might imagine) several times I considered committing suicide, but did not go further than just physically attacking myself by hitting my head hard with my fists once I was feeling so fed up with what I was thinking and feeling in the midst of that depression and even I went so far as to ingest high doses of some drugs to see if I could die of an overdose; but the only thing I got was to hurt myself physically and to have intense bad trips or personally terrifying psychedelic experiences that left some sequels / traumas in my mind, where I can say that fortunately I did not get any further because a part of me does not believe that suicide can be a true escape and much less a solution to nothing...; However, this desire is something that did not stop after I went through such depression and I consider that such desire in part leads me to justify the acceptance of continuing to relapse into my addictions and letting myself fall into the depths of it, because such desire It leads me to not being able to fully value my life and not being able to truly consider any purpose that I propose to myself, as well as not being able to align myself to do what is best for me and for others, because although I do not feel depressed / sad, I still have that desire / feeling that sometimes emerges and it is like that subconsciously leads me to justify various things that keep me stuck in my deficient personal programming, where I also see some emerging in my thoughts and backchats where I say / think that just as I did not ask to be born in this life; I don't understand why or what the hell I exist for... However, I have no idea of ​​everything and everyone that I have affected in this life (as well as myself) and I can even less imagine or know how much and how many I have affected this life / world if I consider that reincarnation exists (or existed) and that I have had other lives previously, so obviously it would seem very selfish of me to commit suicide or (if is possible) eliminate my existence entirely just because I have been through things that have been difficult for me to digest and understand at certain times and experiences in my life or for not having been able to become what I ideally wanted to be, so I can realize that such a desire is something capricious on my part and on not being able to fulfill such a whim of dying or ceasing to exist, the only thing that in reality I do was live capriciously without considering or valuing my life, as well as that of others.


Another thing that I could also observe was that such a desire was like the bottom of my depression, where after having immersed myself so much in my depression and isolation by participating every day in all those thoughts, backchats and emotions that made me suffer, - almost always I ended up neutralizing myself and generating a relaxing emotion / feeling by thinking / imagining what it would be like if I ceased to exist and / or had never existed, and then I could calm down myself and continue a little with the things that I should and I wanted to do, until slowly but surely I would repeat the same cycle of my depressions for continuing in my addictions or for going through any event that for me was something that discouraged me...; however this same desire / emotion / feeling that led me to calm down in the midst of my depressions; at the same time it led me to plunge into more depression by being calmer and / or animated / happy when such desire emerged automatically, manifesting as a polarity of so many within my mind.


---------------------------(Here it had finished my first blog in Spanish)---------------------------


Shortly after I published my first blog, I began to see other blogs, articles and other information related to my personal affairs and that generated several emotions for me to be seeing and understanding a little more about how and how much it affects me to continue in my addictions, more specifically in masturbation with porn... then I started to feel like vile shit and started to react emotionally... anyway, the point is that I started to feel shame for myself and considered that that was a good start for not to let myself fall into such addiction again and in part that has helped me to stay firm in that purpose; but on the other hand, it is like that such emotions pushed me to no longer want to follow up on the points that I had touched on in my first blog and I have been resisting quite a lot to forgive myself at such points and I have rambled between being entertaining watching the occasional movie and looking for information that is inspiring to continue blogging, but I know that this is a defense mechanism of my mind that refuses to change and therefore I prefer to just wander here and there instead of giving it follow-up to what has emerged in me lately. By what I say I do not mean that it is useless to read the content of blogs or the support information that other people share, as well as talking with someone; But if I only do that then obviously I am not going to follow up on my affairs or advance in my personal process, but even so, it is like I prefer to be watching / reading, listening to the information that others share, as well as to a large extent I prefer to be sharing / talking with someone else, even though I realize that such things that I share tend to only reinforce my personal position, since the most common is that I only regurgitate and reaffirm my memories every time I talk with someone... After feeling shame for seeing here and there that being addicted to masturbation with pornography is so harmful, I began to think that maybe I can only help others by giving them an example of what not to do / be in this life, since most of my life I have lived in the shadow of such addiction and as you can imagine, thinking about this crushes my self-esteem as well as my ego and not to mention my perspectives; However, I understand that these are just more ideas that only serve to justify myself and not want to change my lifestyle or perfect myself, so that idea only serves me to continue dragging my past to my present … So (previously) all that was leading me to have more depressive thoughts that little by little turned into hatred of myself, as well as hatred and envy towards others for thinking that most people do not have to deal with the heavy shit of being someone so trapped and screwed up for being addicted to mas… and after being honest with myself about what are the reasons that lead me to hate and envy others, I realized that I tend to envy those who can express themselves comfortably about his / her sexuality and / or making jokes or sharing funny memes about it, since for quite some time that has been a somewhat uncomfortable topic for me due to my personal situation in this regard, because I remember that for several years I used to feel uncomfortable when my friends were talking or making fun of something that involving sex and I just stood there neutralized while inside I felt pure sorrow for my old judgments of myself for being frustrated with my "sexuality".

So here I was able to realize that evidently I was only going from one sentimental / emotional polarity to another and right here I realized again that when I find myself in the negative polarity of my feelings, automatically emerge in me the tendency / impulse to seek a “quick fix / relief”, as after feeling somewhat touched by my situation a few days ago; - The following days I began to feel full of hatred, envy, depression and at the same time the desire to not exist began to emerge again so as not to have to deal with my affairs, where the easiest thing is to abandon myself and let myself be in conformity with my old and deficient personal programs and sedate myself in my own way as if it were a momentary suicide with which I only accelerate my death a little more...; and the most difficult thing is to keep moving and pushing myself to do what I have to do even if I don't have an ounce of motivation or hope of being able to change my life and correct my issues at this point in my life, as if I often wanted to find that "something else", like a prefabricated meaning and purpose so that I don't have to struggle to build them by myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop moving / pushing myself to do what I want and have to do for being frustrated with my life. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue abdicating my responsibility to correct myself in what since when I know that I have to take care of myself, for thinking, believing that it is useless to do my best. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prefer to sedate myself in my own way and screw myself more by continuing in my addictions by letting myself be carried away / controlled / immobilized by the emotion that arises in me every time I allow myself to immerse myself in that desire to cease to exist and never have existed in this life. I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to see myself realize and understand that by continuing to abdicate my responsibility I not only screw up and affect myself but I also screw up and affect others and life itself, directly and indirectly. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue allowing my desire to cease to exist was something considerable and even valid to justify my relapses in my addictions, as well as the insatiability and the respective consequences that I experience for believing that I already nothing matters every time I participate in my mind and I agree with this desire and the emotions that arise from it. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to "function" according to my energy polarities / moods, where to move to do what I have to do it is common that I depend on some feeling / positive energy that prompts me to move, just as the common impulse that moves me to do what I have to do when I plan that after doing some work I am going to reward myself with alcohol, drugs and / or masturbation to relax myself with the justification that I deserve it because I did something of work. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to devalue myself by thinking / believing that I am worth less than those who have sex normally. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have used this self-forgiving tool to stop feeling any guilt / shame every time I relapsed into my addiction, which led me to the extreme of being cynical with myself and with others to the degree of being able to accept and expose my personal situation of my addictions by ceasing to judge myself for forgiving myself without committing myself, without looking for a way to correct myself in it and without doing anything practical to carry it out. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself through justifying myself in / with my mind in one way or another so as not to feel any pain by continuing to relapse into my addictions. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek to feel truly / really shamed to use that shame as support to push me to do what is necessary to forgive and correct myself in my stagnation in my irresponsibility, while what I really did was participate in my thoughts and emotions / feelings that are related to shame, where I only created that emotional turmoil that made me value myself for a moment, and then move to the opposite polarity of feeling hatred and indifference for myself and for others. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let myself be guided by the defense mechanism of my mind that pushes me to wander, to want to entertain myself and to look for someone to talk to without seeing where my starting point is, where I usually do it only to reaffirm, regurgitate my memories and continue to agree with what I already know or what I largely understand, instead of following up on what I know I have to do and that I had already started previously, like this blog, to keep seeing and treating other points in myself and not get stuck in the same thing. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue regurgitating my memories and emotions by being alone while I’m thinking, feeling and speaking, just as I usually do when I am with someone else, instead of taking action and doing something about it, and if there is nothing to do then I can go on treating the points that I know I have to touch / treat in myself since for a long time ago. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe / consider so much the idea that “I can only help others by giving them an example of what not to do / be in this life”, without realizing or understand that by participating / considering that idea I only further justify my stagnation in my irresponsibility, as well as reinforce that demonic system / mind demon of feeling like I will never be good enough to change and perfect myself, where I give more feedback to my mind demon to participate and amplify my repetitive thoughts and emotions with what I consume a lot of vital / physical energy in just thinking and generating emotions / feelings in my day to day, without doing almost anything practical. (In order to make this S-F's I was inspired by this blog: What Characterize a Demon (Part One) since it is also related to the points I have written). I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue participating in this demonic system / mind demon of repetitive thoughts and emotions / feelings after seeing and understanding for myself that on the one hand this is what keeps me stuck in my irresponsibility. I commit to myself to keep moving to do what I know I have to do even if I don't feel the desire or motivation to do it or even if I find myself discouraged. I commit myself to move in and through the resistance that I experience whenever I am frustrated with my life and right here I commit myself to see and understand what and how the reasons / motives / justifications are for feeling frustrated and not wanting to do anything. I commit to myself to use my breath to stop participating in my desire not to exist and move to do something that is better for myself and for others. I commit myself to embracing my suffering, shame, anxiety, hatred, envy, and other uncomfortable emotions rather than seeking a "quick fix / escape" by sedating myself with alcohol, drugs, and masturbation with porn or any possible substitutes that only serve me to suppress my awkward internal affairs. I commit myself to stop relying on internal (such as positive thoughts and feelings) and external (such as alcohol, drugs, and masturbation with pornography) motivation to move to do what I really want and have to do. I commit myself to see shame as an indication that there is something I should observe in myself that can help me to grow, rather than seeing it as something I have to avoid or suppress or sedate to feel better. I commit myself to continue giving importance to continue with my process instead of wasting so much time entertaining myself by watching movies, series or listening to music. I commit myself to see where my starting point is every time I have the urge / anxiety to communicate with someone, to see if it’s really necessary for me to do so and if I don't find any good reason or motive to do so then I can direct myself to do something practical in my / the reality and / or in my process. --------(↓↓↓A personal observation to improve the way I will do my blogs later↓↓↓)---------


Recently I was seeing how a member of the Desteni-Universe group made her first blog and I liked how she did it because it was linear and simpler, since she asked the group members for support to give her tips on how to start doing their blogs. Then I realized that I am having some difficulties to start and continue blogging, on the one hand because of my resistance to writing my things and on the other hand because I did not ask for support to see how I could I started and I only did it as it occurred to me when writing the points that were emerging in me at the time, however I did not realize that I started by touching on a topic (“my stagnation in my irresponsibility”) that has several subtopics (“depression , addictions, suicide, etc ”) and each subtopic has several points to touch / deal with, so it is obvious that I am not doing it linearly and structurally by touching / treating one topic at a time and one point at a time, so now I understand that in part that has led me to feel overwhelmed and to resist enough to continue doing my blogs, since there are many things / points I want to deal with and more and more points, forgiveness and corrections of each subtopic are emerging and then I understand that this prevents me from carrying out my process in a more orderly manner, apart from the fact that it is more complex… well, then I will make my blogs considering this.


(Day 4) Proudly drug addict

   Since I started to using druggs (weed, tobacco and alcohol) and going to parties / raves where drugs abound, I began to view drugs as som...