(Day 2) My current relationship with creative and fun communication, some "hearing problems" and how my drug addiction has affected me in this.

  

About two weeks ago I got a job and as is common for me, at first I tend to be very serious and somewhat shy (not only at work but almost in all my new relationships) because of my introverted personality and because of my insecurities and so on, where on the one hand I think it is better to start opening up and expressing myself without haste so as not to speak unnecessary or even compromising things; but on the other hand, I think that being very serious will not help me because earlier this has led me to repress things that I think are better for me and others and even to close myself so much to the point that I have difficulty talking to ask for the things I need in my job to run it effectively, as well as to propose new options to speed up production with what I see that can be improved in my area of work and obviously being very serious prevents me from expressing what I find unfair or what I personally disagree with because I do not want to create any conflict and for fear to what others will say / think.

  For some time I have been questioning the reasons, motives and whys of my introverted personality, which goes back to many aspects, such as mental constructs that make up my personality ... but one of the points that I want to touch here - is that when I spend so much time quiet / serious and at the same time thinking about so many things when I am with several strangers or with whom I do not have much confidence, that leads me to lock myself so much inside my mind in my judgments of myself and others until little by little do I feel a resistance to speaking that is getting heavier and heavier and here I have seen that this not only affects me in the difficulty of opening up and expressing myself in what I need and want to express; It also affects me in a way that makes it difficult for me to hear and understand what others are talking / expressing and before I thought that this was a matter of hearing loss from listening to music at very high volumes, but for some time I have seen that this difficulty largely happens to me because I block myself mentally to listen. For example, for a long time I have been choosing to avoid listening to everything that is irrelevant to me, such as jokes, bullshit, gossip, stupid things, etc... however this mental block (which I have given feedback and justified for quite some time) also leads me to not being able to hear well / clearly the things that others speak that are relevant to me (because obviously my body / ears cannot discriminate between what is not relevant to me and what it is, leading me to ignore things that matter to me), such as information about work or any situation that could affect me and involve me personally and the consequences of this are manifested in the lack of information / updating of what is happening around me, leading me to make mistakes in my work or on any other side / situation for not being aware of what was happening or what was being planned, such as some changes that are being considered and realizing.

  Often this "hearing failure" leads me to be asking people what they have said because I could not hear it very well and by asking several times I start to get uncomfortable because I believe and sometimes I see that others are uncomfortable / desperate that I am asking and asking them again and again and for the same reason sometimes I choose to stay with the doubt and if it is possible to clarify it later, which makes me create emotions due to the ambiguity of my doubts; However, here I have also realized that this question of asking what they have said has become a habit where sometimes I realize that I am listening well to what they have told me but I do not understand it well until I process it in my mind, so sometimes I ask what they have said before processing it and here I understand that I do not have to rush to ask others about what they say, but I have to realize if I haven't listened well or if I haven't processed it quickly in my mind because I'm not understanding the context and / or the words others have used when telling me something.

  Something that I have also observed lately since I have stopped using alcohol and drugs - is that I find it more difficult than usual to open up and joke / have fun with others so that I can take things more lightly while I work, as fun and socialization is something that I have very linked to the consumption of alcohol and drugs (since my puberty) due to the disinhibiting effect it cause me, so now I lack a sense of humor and sometimes I feel tense/stressed while seeing how my co-workers can do their job while having fun and that makes me feel excluded…; however, I am also realizing that on the one hand it is good that I am going through this because previously (when I was taking drugs) I have been forging unstable relationships that go to hell drastically, because obviously when I use drugs and alcohol I cannot be stable, as well as my relationships in themselves and the consequences of it have used to be disastrous to the point of pushing me to lose my job or in the least of the cases that has led me to create a very uncomfortable work environment due to the discord that arises later of the fractures of my relationships, which is also the consequence of having forged relationships from the starting point of relating from the euphoric state and the emotional / sentimental amplification caused by the effects of drugs and alcohol, where apparently everything begins so great; until the opposite polarity of that energy and bonding "so great" is manifested in the form of repudiation and apathy. Obviously I know that not because I no longer consume alcohol or drugs I will not have conflicts with anyone, but on having been stabler in this aspect I'm going to be able to take better responsibility for myself. 

By writing and touching on these points in self-honesty, I have remembered and realized that only in my childhood have I been able to express myself creatively, fun and freely without depending on anything external to simply do so, because since I was puberty I started drinking alcohol and then and then to take drugs, therefore in fact almost I have not known my creative and funnily expression without depending on the alcohol and drugs to express and to liberate this part of me, which now I feel that it is imprisoned / locked in.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to be afraid to express myself with unknown people.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to be afraid to express myself with unknown people for the fear of what they will say / think if I start expressing and being myself from the beginning.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to suppress what I can say that I know is better for myself and others, for the fear of what people who do not know me will say/think.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to suppress what seems unfair to me or in what I disagree, for the fear to which people who do not know me will say / think.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to feedback the mental block / defense mechanism so much so as not to listen to what I do not care about, without seeing, realize and understand that this caused an apparent hearing failure by preventing me from hearing what is relevant and I care about.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as a fool for not being able to listen well and be asking and asking what others have said when I cannot hear them well.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowing myself to prefer to stay in doubt as to what others say / said, so as not to bother them with my questions, which leads me to speak and act in wrong ways because I have not heard / understood some things that others say / have said that it is important to consider to be coordinated with my work team, as well as elsewhere and / or situation.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to depend on the drugs and the alcohol to be able to express myself creatively and funnily.

I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that most of my life I have been dependent on drugs and alcohol to express myself creatively and funnily, where I didn't realize that on a part I was addicted to drugs and alcohol because that helped me to release such expressions so I now have difficulty in being able to express myself creatively and funnily in sobriety.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that my creative and fun expression was authentic, regardless of whether it depended on drugs and alcohol to release such expressions in / of myself.

When and as I see myself wanting to express myself creatively and funnily through alcohol and drugs, I stop and breathe to anchor myself HERE and in the NOW and do what I have to do and what I can do soberly, instead of drinking alcohol and/or using drugs to try to express my creative and fun side more easily at the expense of my physical, mental and emotional health and stability.

I commit myself to push myself to express myself even though I am afraid of what those who do not know me will say / think.

I commit myself to express what I consider to be best for myself and others, both with my new relationships and with my acquaintance and trust relationships.

I commit myself not to accept and to allow myself more to feedback my defense mechanism / mental blockade of not wanting to listen more than what matters to me or is in my personal interest and here I commit myself to express myself according to what I think, consider and know is better for me and others, walking in and through the fear that commonly arises in me when I find myself surrounded / accompanied by unknown people or with whom I do not have much confidence.

I commit myself to put into practice my ability to listen to and process the information of what others tell me, before rushing to ask what they have said and right here when I do not hear what they are saying well, I commit myself to make sure that I have not been able to hear well or if I have not been able to process the information in my mind, to ask what I really need to know, so as not to be left with doubt and thus avoid the possible consequences that arise from it.

I commit myself to stop judging myself as if I were a fool for not being able to hear or process well what others tell me and right here I commit myself not to think / believe and say that I am already very deaf because that only reinforces this mental construct that I have already feedbackd so much in the past and instead of just judging myself as if I were very deaf, I propose myself to see objectively how true my lack of physical hearing is.

I commit myself to seeking ways to integrate and express my creative and fun side soberly.

I commit myself to stop depending on drugs and the alcohol to be able to open up, expressing myself and creating ties and more intimate, solid and stable relationships with others, independently of that they are known or unknown, to be able to create and contribute something that is better for me, for others and for all life.

I commit myself to stop using drugs for fun or to seek inspiration to be creative and right here I commit myself to only using drugs if I ever need them in the event that a doctor or psychiatrist prescribes them for me.