(Day 4) Proudly drug addict

 

 Since I started to using druggs (weed, tobacco and alcohol) and going to parties / raves where drugs abound, I began to view drugs as something that made me a more interesting, quirky and "open-minded" person (since several drugs, especially hallucinogens such as the so-called power plants, are related to introspection and self-knowledge, to enlighting and other things that are related to hippie / counterculture movements, meditation, psychological therapies, etc.) among other things / ideas, because of what I believed that by taking drugs I was someone interesting, wise and so on, without seeing or realizing that this was just one more label for my ego, for what I tended and still tend (regardless of whether I no longer use several / most of the drugs that I used to use) to express myself and participate in drug talks with my colleagues / friends as if using drugs is something positive or something that do not create disastrous consequences in the lives of addicts when they use them with the starting point of fun, relaxation or to be someone of "open mind" ... later I will talk about the points related to my personal relationship with drugs in another blog ... the point I want to make here is that although I no longer use drugs (with psychoactive, psychedelic, and / or extremely stimulant drugs more than anything, since I am still addicted to tobacco and coffee) I still have the tendency to laugh and participate in drug talks, where I usually express myself as if it were cool and fun, regardless of the fact that part of me knows that drug use is not a game, since I have had quite a few disastrous and traumatic experiences (such as to get to have psychotic breakouts) and I have screwed up my life too much by being addicted to various drugs from an early age, but still sometimes I prefer to play / participate in such talks to go with the flow (or for fear of going against the flow) and to include myself in my work circle of relationships, as well as with some acquaintances and friends, since it is very common for many people to see drugs and alcohol as something fun and not harmful or as fun / relaxing justify the harmful / disastrous consequences of being addicted to drugs / alcohol.

 Something I see / realize now is that not only do I tend to joke, laugh or take the drug topic / talk lightly because of the pattern / habit of seeing drug use as cool; rather, by allowing myself to continue participating in this point of view / pattern, both in my thoughts and in conversations with my colleagues / friends, - I continue to leave some back doors open in my mind that push me to relapse into some intense drugs that I have been able to quit, as well as this leads me to justify the constant use of drugs that are not as intense as alcohol, marijuana, sedatives and tobacco, since this makes me minimize the consequences of relapsing or increasing the use of the drugs that I still use ocationally. A clear example of this is that now that I was able to get a better job thanks to a friend recommending me in his job and thanks to that I was able to enter to work there, - then when I started working there my friend suggested me that we may go to drink a beer to talk and due to the pattern / custom I have, I agreed without tiinking it much and thhen I went to have a drink with my friend and other work colleagues and the consequence of that is that now my friend and several work colleagues invite me to drink and if I do not define my purpose in this obviously I will continue to allow myself to drink more often with them and slowly but surely I will allow myself to do more and other types of drugs because I have alcohol related to tobacco, marijuana, masturbation and then it becomes easy for me to do other stronger drugs, so I consider that it is necessary that I take / determine my process of stopping and taking seriously or at least commit to allowing myself to drink a bit in long periods of time, since currently I have no anxiety about drinking alcohol and I do not want to start generating dependence again and I consider that I can commit to allowing myself to drink every 3 months (approximately) so as not to generate dependence / addiction by being able to do so voluntarily and not by anxiety / urge or habit / addiction. 

In conclusion I see / realize that if I continue to have this pattern / habit of just laughing and participating in my mind and in drug talks with friends / colleagues expressing myself freshly without considering the consequences of this, - it is obvious that I will continue to have excuses / back doors open in my mind to allow me to relapse into those intense drugs that until now I have been able to stop, as well as it is obvious that if I continue like this I will also continue to allow myself to continue constantly consuming those seemingly harmless drugs such as marijuana and alcohol and not only that, but also if I continued to participate and express myself in this way about drugs, I will also influence those who do not have much notion / idea / experience of what it is to use drugs and be addicted and their respective consequences, because like many people (just like me) it usually expresses themselves indifferently on such a subject and this leads to thinking of those who do not know the world of drugs as if it were more than anything fun. In fact, in my work there are several young minors and I see that they are being negatively influenced on this issue / topic (and others more like sex) by other older colleagues and this leads me to remember that in the past I was also a deluded victim of such talks, which led me to think that using drugs was easy and fun and which is an abuse that easily goes unnoticed and is even applauded…; I also do not consider that taking a moral stance against drugs / drug addiction is something that works because I would only be going to the opposite extreme in separation from myself and creating an alternate ego or a false moral, but I consider that at least I can be honest and objective in clarifying that drugs use is not just anything or just fun, so I can best share my experience when talking about drugs seriously or take the initiative to be conscious of joking with those who know the topic and if there is someone who has no experience / notion, I can clarify that although I / we joked about it, it is not advisable to believe / think that drugs alone (or mostly) are fun / relaxing / etc, since personally I would have liked to have been able to listen and consider this in my puberty and adolescence to consider the possible mental damages / disorders that can arise from excessive consumption and misuse of drugs, because personally I have gone through many difficult experiences that have marked me for life for being an addict to various types of drugs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that drugs made me be more than I really am.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to identify myself as an essentially drug addict to the degree of being proud of it for the ideas / beliefs that I previously considered, such as being someone more interesting, wise and open-minded person due to the fact of using drugs and altering my consciousness with such drugs that led me to "see and understand reality" from other perspectives.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for thinking / believing that by using drugs and meditation I would be able to transcend my ego and be something better for myself and for others, without seeing, realizing or understanding that that I was not going to help me to really do something that is better for me and for others, beyond my ideal / belief, much less I was going to be able to transcend my ego, since as long as I have a mind that is impossible (lol), However, I believed it and from that belief I convinced and influenced several people / friends by saying that it was the best and that it was possible.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to participate / comment / express myself fresh and fun about drugs out of habit / pattern without seeing or realizing how it affects / influences me in my process and those who do not know the world of drugs.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to laugh and participate in the funny talk about drugs from the starting point of seeking approval / inclusion from my friends and co-workers, without seeing or realizing that apart that this leads me to minimize / rationalize and justify my use of drugs, besides I also influence in (the perception of) those who do not know the world of drugs and its possible consequences.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself not to see, realize or understand that my participation / pattern in the funny talk about drugs leads me to continue creating / forming more relationships with drug addicts or drug users who influence myself.

When and as I see myself wanting to participate (both in my mind and) with my co-workers / friends in fun drug talks, from the starting point of seeking approval / inclusion, I stop and breathe to see / realize what it is. my starting point in such an urge to weigh in and participate in such talks and if I choose to participate in such talks to joke around a bit, I commit myself to being aware of whether there is anyone who could be influenced and clarify that drugs are not a game, regardless of how many of us take it lightly.

I realize that talking / chatting and joking about drugs, is something that is not only spoken in vain, regardless of the fact that when joking one does not do it seriously and honestly, but still the words (even if they are not alive and aligned with what one truly is) have an effect on our reality and are not just "words fly away", but can affect those who have no notion of what is being spoken, so for some people who do not have a lot of common sense, they will probably take the drug issue as something cool, fun or as something that serves to open the mind, transcend the ego, etc (just like it happened to me).

I commit myself to continue investigating and questioning the whys / motives / reasons why I continue to identify with drugs to such a degree that if I don't take drugs and if I don't keep talking positively and amusingly about drugs, I feel that I am not "me same".

I commit myself to stop participating in drug talk (from a cool / funny point of view) from the starting point / with (the subconscious) intention to feel included with those who usually do it in my circle of co-workers / friends.

I commit myself to honestly and objectively assist and support those who are tempted / curious to start using drugs to see what it feels like and share my understanding and experience of being a multiple substance addict with them.

I commit to myself to push myself to have the initiative to go through my resistance to start relating to people who can help me grow / improve and perfect myself so that I can do something that is better for myself and for others.

I commit myself not to accept or allow my fear / resistance to form new relationships to stop me and right here I commit myself to get out of the comfort zone in relation to the relationships that I form from my personal programming of being a proud / compliant drug addict, to be able to change my type of relationships with people who are really doing something practical to do something better for themselves and for others, since I understand that the people with whom I relate the most are the people who They influence my life, regardless of whether in my mind / ego / personality I believe that I can have any type of relationships and only take the best of them or that I can have toxic relationships and not be affected or influenced by them. (In fact, this point /  believe of being able to have any type of relationships and believing that they do not influence me if I "do not allow it" is something that I will write / walk about later in my process because I see that a part of me still believes that this is possible).

• Any questions, comments or suggestions are welcome... thanks for reading.

(Day 3) My resistance to creating Heaven on Earth.

 

Some time ago I began to see that I usually resist continuing in the process that I have walked up to now with the tools (of Self-Forgiveness, Self-Commitment and the corrective practical application), and commonly I prefer to just think about things and some points that I can touch in my process and that generates a placebo effect where I feel that I am really advancing / changing in my process / life by thinking / considering such things that I want to forgive and change / correct in myself.

In this resistance I have found a pattern related to my previous way of turning to God and his help when I was a believer, where I usually turned to God when some tragedy happened to me or simply when I felt sad / depressed for various reasons or when I had the feeling of feeling very good / at peace with myself, for believing that everything was going to be okay thanks to God (which was nothing objective or specific). And although I never became such a believer as to voluntarily go to church or read the Bible constantly; I still have that tendency / pattern of giving importance to continuing to walk in my process just (or in large part) when something tragic happens to me, when I feel emotionally screwed up, when I see and realize (objectively) how screwed I am or when I feel sentimentally motivated, as if I be inspired by some feeling that prompts me to write things that sound good to me but do not really help me to see and understand that this is just a pleasant but temporary state of mind thinking / feeling that excites me but at the same time It only anesthetizes me in a bliss that leads me to settle for my life as it is.

I have long been able to see, realize and understand that just as when I had my belief that God was a supreme being (as is religiously conceived) or (later) when I began to conceive God as my very essence, as is conceived from the perspective of the “New Age” current, - here I only considered that I was God potentially, without considering what it implies to be a God, beyond the ideal / belief ... then later I realized that that only took me to get stuck for many years in my thoughts / "higher beliefs" / positive feelings, while I did practically nothing productive or REAL in my life / "process", due to the anesthetizing effect of my thoughts / feelings / beliefs / higher purposes that they were quite subjective and unattainable / unrealistic, but nevertheless they served to ideally justify me in my lifestyle, regardless of the fact that several people in my life tried to make me see my propiates inconsistencies and my irresponsibility to "live" in such a way and I only tended to avoid such discussions / confrontations or to react emotionally as I believed / felt that they were attacking me personally, when in reality they were only questioning my ideas / beliefs.

After realizing that such beliefs largely only served to justify my inactivity and irresponsibility in my life, I began to go to the other extreme (in which I still find myself) of seeing everything so negatively and pessimistically to the point of believing that it is too late to really do something that is better for myself and others (contribute to creating Heaven on Earth) and as a result of this I have chosen to judge and react negatively to everything and all those who spread such ideas / religious beliefs / New Age material, without considering that I did not want or could understand or accept the objectivity of those criticisms and judgments that someone else made me in the past because I believed and felt that they were an attack on my person, (since I conceived / perceived such criticisms and judgments as mere personal / prejudiced projections coming from others, by the mere fact that I thinking / believing / considering something different from what they considered); So, How can I expect that my judgments of others (believers) are something that can really helps them to understand their ignorance and irresponsibility, if my criticisms and questions start from a starting point of negatively judging their beliefs and ideals?; If personally I had too much resistance to listen and consider something outside of my beliefs and ideals, regardless of whether the starting point of whoever was questioning me was to help me to see and weigh with logic and common sense the subjectivity and my personal bias that it did not allow me see my incoherence and irresponsibility and where obviously I simply did not listen to those criticisms and judgments with "negative connotations"? ... However, I was only able to realize my incoherence and irresponsibility in this since I started doing the DIP-Lite because when I started to write my issues in Self-Honesty it was when I began to see my things more objectively and at the same time I began to see how subjectively I tended to justify my inconsistencies and irresponsibility with myself and with others, so I understand that in my case it was impossible to listen and understand the objective criticisms that others made me because I was ignorantly trapped in my personal definitions and in my ideals, beliefs and lofty purposes that were true to me, no matter how out of reality they were. So I understand that others (as well as me) are not going to be able to conceive of anything that is beyond their beliefs and ideals if they do not have an understanding of the vocabulary without religious, cultural and personal bias of the words that make up their vocabulary in order to understand (objectively) what they actually are / are not doing by so passionately believing / considering their beliefs.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to continue to justify my resistance to walking my process with the tools by not wanting to continue to question the reasons for my resistance itself.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to settle for the placebo effect created by my thoughts, mental chats, emotions and feelings that I experience when I thinking / considering the points that I can touch in my process.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to continue to delude myself into the belief that I am changing / moving forward in my life / process by the mere fact of thinking about the things I want to do and thus creating an anesthetizing feeling that makes me feel / think that I am changing / improving and therefore I can be calm with myself.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to consider / attach importance to continuing to walk my process only when difficult to digest things happen to me in my life, as I am used / programmed to do so since I was a believer or maybe before.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to continue to justify my irresponsibility with ideals that sound good to me (inside my mind) but are not consistent with my words and actions in reality.

I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to listen and discern the criticisms and judgments that others made to me objectively and with common sense.

I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to see / hear, realize and understand that the questions, criticisms and judgments that others made me in the past (regarding my beliefs and ideals) contained enough reason and common sense, but I could not understand /comprehend because I had (and still have) quite a bias in understanding the words that make up my vocabulary, so I could only perceive (subjectively and emotionally) such criticisms and judgments from others as if they were a personal attack.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to get frustrated by not being able to make others understand that their beliefs are incoherent and make them be irresponsible in reality, without understanding and considering that it is almost impossible for others to understand this, just as I could not do it when I was (and still am) limited in my ability / effectiveness of understanding words.

As and when I see myself thinking and letting go / procrastinating touching the points where I want to keep walking to forgive and correct myself, I stop and breathe to anchor HERE and see that I am just settling with my thoughts and feelings that make me believe that I am doing something about it to change / correct myself within my mind in the NOW; instead of doing something practical in reality / HERE to change / correct myself by touching the points by writing in Self-Honesty.

I realize that when I was a believer of God, as well as when I was a believer of the God within (which I still believe but from a more practical perspective and not just ideally), I only considered this world and what I can learn here, as If it were only a scenario in which I could learn to understand / remember the divinity / my divine essence in order to transcend this world and perhaps ascend from this plane, without considering that in that belief I was not considering the closest thing, which IS and IT IS HERE / in the world itself and therefore I mostly chose to give importance to my destiny / to come in the afterlife and did not consider that on that path I was abdicating many of my responsibilities here on Earth, as well as in my real and objective life, so this was pushing me to only give importance to those things / ideals that seem so "deep, important and elevated" and for what in part now I resist wanting to see and touch the points that "aren't very important” in my process, such as some patterns that I personally do not consider very significant in my being and in my person, such as some programs that do not represent something important that should be considered, but nevertheless I continue to see how these patterns are followed repeating in my day to day and which are details that are accumulating and making something bigger and more significant in my life, as well as in the lives of others and life itself that I affect negatively with my existence by not taking those details into account.

Here I also realize that if I do not consider or begin to touch / walk in my process those points that are apparently not very relevant in myself, eventually I will have to deal with the respective and significant consequences of it for allowing such details to go building up to become something negatively prominent in my life, in the lives of those I affect, and in reality itself. And right here I realize that constancy in my process not only serves to prevent many negative things / consequences in the future; but it also helps me to dig / unearth, understand, forgive and correct my own personal deficient patterns / programs that prevent me from doing what is best for me and others in a practical, objective (and not just ideal) way to be able to to be someone trustworthy and to be able to contribute to doing something that is better for myself and for others and for life in this world, since that is what the reverse engineering of this process is for and that is how it works (7 Year Journey to Life).

(I had too much resistance to start, continue and finish this blog, because personally I did not want to touch / write these points related to my resistance to creating Heaven on Earth, because I consider that talking about religion and beliefs is a very trite topic and not very relevant. However I see that by questioning this I was able to realize that I still maintain the old patterns of only doing something about it when I feel so screwed up or when something motivates me enough to take action, which is one aspect of my dependence on energy / energetic experiences that have always influenced what I do or do not do depending on my mood, as previously I have been too dependent on my emotions and feelings to make / not make decisions in my life).

I commit myself to continue questioning and walking the points related to my resistance to continue advancing in my process.

I commit myself to stop settling for the placebo effect that I experience every time I think about where I can continue to walk in my process and right here I commit myself to being honest with myself to see and discern what I can do to do about it when I think of those ideas that sound great in my mind, to put them into action by doing something practical in reality and not just imagining big things / changes in my mind.

I commit myself to stop negatively judging the ideas of those who believe in God and instead see if I can support them to be aware of their inconsistencies and irresponsibilities, considering them equal to me and if I cannot help them to see their own bias, I commit myself to follow my process so as not to waste my time and not to make others waste their time in arguments to seek to be right. And right here I commit myself to listen to the criticisms and judgments that others share with me, to discern what is objective and to be able to support myself with such advice / explanations that can help me improve in what I cannot see nor understand by myself.

I commit myself to push myself to do what I want and what I have to do without allowing myself to depend on the sentimental energy created by my optimistic / positive thoughts to move myself.

I commit to myself to push myself to do what I want and what I have to do and not allow the emotional energy created by my pessimistic / negative thoughts to keep me from moving myself.

(Day 2) My current relationship with creative and fun communication, some "hearing problems" and how my drug addiction has affected me in this.

  

About two weeks ago I got a job and as is common for me, at first I tend to be very serious and somewhat shy (not only at work but almost in all my new relationships) because of my introverted personality and because of my insecurities and so on, where on the one hand I think it is better to start opening up and expressing myself without haste so as not to speak unnecessary or even compromising things; but on the other hand, I think that being very serious will not help me because earlier this has led me to repress things that I think are better for me and others and even to close myself so much to the point that I have difficulty talking to ask for the things I need in my job to run it effectively, as well as to propose new options to speed up production with what I see that can be improved in my area of work and obviously being very serious prevents me from expressing what I find unfair or what I personally disagree with because I do not want to create any conflict and for fear to what others will say / think.

  For some time I have been questioning the reasons, motives and whys of my introverted personality, which goes back to many aspects, such as mental constructs that make up my personality ... but one of the points that I want to touch here - is that when I spend so much time quiet / serious and at the same time thinking about so many things when I am with several strangers or with whom I do not have much confidence, that leads me to lock myself so much inside my mind in my judgments of myself and others until little by little do I feel a resistance to speaking that is getting heavier and heavier and here I have seen that this not only affects me in the difficulty of opening up and expressing myself in what I need and want to express; It also affects me in a way that makes it difficult for me to hear and understand what others are talking / expressing and before I thought that this was a matter of hearing loss from listening to music at very high volumes, but for some time I have seen that this difficulty largely happens to me because I block myself mentally to listen. For example, for a long time I have been choosing to avoid listening to everything that is irrelevant to me, such as jokes, bullshit, gossip, stupid things, etc... however this mental block (which I have given feedback and justified for quite some time) also leads me to not being able to hear well / clearly the things that others speak that are relevant to me (because obviously my body / ears cannot discriminate between what is not relevant to me and what it is, leading me to ignore things that matter to me), such as information about work or any situation that could affect me and involve me personally and the consequences of this are manifested in the lack of information / updating of what is happening around me, leading me to make mistakes in my work or on any other side / situation for not being aware of what was happening or what was being planned, such as some changes that are being considered and realizing.

  Often this "hearing failure" leads me to be asking people what they have said because I could not hear it very well and by asking several times I start to get uncomfortable because I believe and sometimes I see that others are uncomfortable / desperate that I am asking and asking them again and again and for the same reason sometimes I choose to stay with the doubt and if it is possible to clarify it later, which makes me create emotions due to the ambiguity of my doubts; However, here I have also realized that this question of asking what they have said has become a habit where sometimes I realize that I am listening well to what they have told me but I do not understand it well until I process it in my mind, so sometimes I ask what they have said before processing it and here I understand that I do not have to rush to ask others about what they say, but I have to realize if I haven't listened well or if I haven't processed it quickly in my mind because I'm not understanding the context and / or the words others have used when telling me something.

  Something that I have also observed lately since I have stopped using alcohol and drugs - is that I find it more difficult than usual to open up and joke / have fun with others so that I can take things more lightly while I work, as fun and socialization is something that I have very linked to the consumption of alcohol and drugs (since my puberty) due to the disinhibiting effect it cause me, so now I lack a sense of humor and sometimes I feel tense/stressed while seeing how my co-workers can do their job while having fun and that makes me feel excluded…; however, I am also realizing that on the one hand it is good that I am going through this because previously (when I was taking drugs) I have been forging unstable relationships that go to hell drastically, because obviously when I use drugs and alcohol I cannot be stable, as well as my relationships in themselves and the consequences of it have used to be disastrous to the point of pushing me to lose my job or in the least of the cases that has led me to create a very uncomfortable work environment due to the discord that arises later of the fractures of my relationships, which is also the consequence of having forged relationships from the starting point of relating from the euphoric state and the emotional / sentimental amplification caused by the effects of drugs and alcohol, where apparently everything begins so great; until the opposite polarity of that energy and bonding "so great" is manifested in the form of repudiation and apathy. Obviously I know that not because I no longer consume alcohol or drugs I will not have conflicts with anyone, but on having been stabler in this aspect I'm going to be able to take better responsibility for myself. 

By writing and touching on these points in self-honesty, I have remembered and realized that only in my childhood have I been able to express myself creatively, fun and freely without depending on anything external to simply do so, because since I was puberty I started drinking alcohol and then and then to take drugs, therefore in fact almost I have not known my creative and funnily expression without depending on the alcohol and drugs to express and to liberate this part of me, which now I feel that it is imprisoned / locked in.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to be afraid to express myself with unknown people.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to be afraid to express myself with unknown people for the fear of what they will say / think if I start expressing and being myself from the beginning.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to suppress what I can say that I know is better for myself and others, for the fear of what people who do not know me will say/think.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to suppress what seems unfair to me or in what I disagree, for the fear to which people who do not know me will say / think.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to feedback the mental block / defense mechanism so much so as not to listen to what I do not care about, without seeing, realize and understand that this caused an apparent hearing failure by preventing me from hearing what is relevant and I care about.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as a fool for not being able to listen well and be asking and asking what others have said when I cannot hear them well.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowing myself to prefer to stay in doubt as to what others say / said, so as not to bother them with my questions, which leads me to speak and act in wrong ways because I have not heard / understood some things that others say / have said that it is important to consider to be coordinated with my work team, as well as elsewhere and / or situation.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to depend on the drugs and the alcohol to be able to express myself creatively and funnily.

I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that most of my life I have been dependent on drugs and alcohol to express myself creatively and funnily, where I didn't realize that on a part I was addicted to drugs and alcohol because that helped me to release such expressions so I now have difficulty in being able to express myself creatively and funnily in sobriety.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that my creative and fun expression was authentic, regardless of whether it depended on drugs and alcohol to release such expressions in / of myself.

When and as I see myself wanting to express myself creatively and funnily through alcohol and drugs, I stop and breathe to anchor myself HERE and in the NOW and do what I have to do and what I can do soberly, instead of drinking alcohol and/or using drugs to try to express my creative and fun side more easily at the expense of my physical, mental and emotional health and stability.

I commit myself to push myself to express myself even though I am afraid of what those who do not know me will say / think.

I commit myself to express what I consider to be best for myself and others, both with my new relationships and with my acquaintance and trust relationships.

I commit myself not to accept and to allow myself more to feedback my defense mechanism / mental blockade of not wanting to listen more than what matters to me or is in my personal interest and here I commit myself to express myself according to what I think, consider and know is better for me and others, walking in and through the fear that commonly arises in me when I find myself surrounded / accompanied by unknown people or with whom I do not have much confidence.

I commit myself to put into practice my ability to listen to and process the information of what others tell me, before rushing to ask what they have said and right here when I do not hear what they are saying well, I commit myself to make sure that I have not been able to hear well or if I have not been able to process the information in my mind, to ask what I really need to know, so as not to be left with doubt and thus avoid the possible consequences that arise from it.

I commit myself to stop judging myself as if I were a fool for not being able to hear or process well what others tell me and right here I commit myself not to think / believe and say that I am already very deaf because that only reinforces this mental construct that I have already feedbackd so much in the past and instead of just judging myself as if I were very deaf, I propose myself to see objectively how true my lack of physical hearing is.

I commit myself to seeking ways to integrate and express my creative and fun side soberly.

I commit myself to stop depending on drugs and the alcohol to be able to open up, expressing myself and creating ties and more intimate, solid and stable relationships with others, independently of that they are known or unknown, to be able to create and contribute something that is better for me, for others and for all life.

I commit myself to stop using drugs for fun or to seek inspiration to be creative and right here I commit myself to only using drugs if I ever need them in the event that a doctor or psychiatrist prescribes them for me.

(Day 1) My stagnation in my irresposability (Part 1 & 2)

 Sometimes I get frustrated when I realize how easily I forget to give it the weight and importance that it deserves to take responsibility for my life and the personal issues that I have to deal with since a lot ago; but I just keep abdicating my responsibility even though it is so evident that I am so fucked up and still I prefer to sedate myself in my own way, accepting and allowing myself to continue in my addictions (drugs and / or masturbation with pornography) to try to avoid (at least for a while) the pain and the consequences that I will inevitably have to face (as well as the emotions that personally make me uncomfortable) later in my life / process... before it's too late.

However, I understand that frustration, as well as sadness and depression only lead me to justify my immobility by stagnating in emotion and feeling for thinking that it is useless for me to dust myself off, get up and continue walking and living my life and my process with the tools that I have had for a long time, which also dust along with the abandonment of myself that I experience every time I stop feeling and being aware of my breathing in relatively long periods while I am being directed by the energy and dysfunctional programs of my mind, where I commonly tend to sedate myself in my own way and suppress the fear and my emotions that I often classify as anxiety and thus I justify the use and abuse of sedatives and some other drugs that at the same time they create more anxiety and dependence in me and thus I continue to re-create the same consequences repeatedly in my life, while I fuck myself and everything and everyone those whom I affect directly and indirectly...

So I decided that the best thing for me was to stop judging myself every time I relapsed into my addictions and focus on finding practical solutions to see how to stop and correct myself; instead of creating guilt, shame, pain and sinking in the emotions that this generates / generated in me; However, after committing to myself to stop judging myself in my relapses, I began to go to another extreme / pole where I stopped feeling any emotional / moral weight from relapsing again, which led me to do it more (to relapse more) and more deliberately, to the point of becoming cynical and immoral about feeling no shame at all in accepting my addictions with myself and with most people...; and on the other hand this (my cynical posture) helped me to continue taking charge of my responsibilities (such as working and / or studying) unlike before when I would relapsed and abandoned my jobs and / or studies due to guilt and the emotional / moral weight that I created / felt by judging me for having failed myself in my purpose to stay sober.

It was not until a few days ago that I read this blog of the blogs called: Creation's Journey to Life - Day 311: The Secret to Self-Realisation - that I understood that in order to make a significant / true change in my life it is necessary that I truly and honestly feel the shame for continuing to accept and allow me myself to continue like this, screwing up myself and, incidentally others and life itself.

Previously I have been asking myself, writing, forgiving and committing myself (at certain points that I have observed in myself) to see what I can do (practically) to change and correct myself in my situation of my addictions; but until today I have not been able to correct almost anything in this aspect of my life.

I have never been able to stand firm in my process of continuing in my personal process (writing the points that I observe daily in myself to use the tools in it, aligned with my words and actions or corrective practical application in my reality) of doing what is better for me and others, since feeling stable makes it easier for me to trust myself again and relapse, because I feel relatively well and then little by little I trust myself until I charge my desire to allow myself to fall into my addictions again, and then I end up doing it again voluntarily or involuntarily...

 

Something that I observed lately (thanks to this audio by Marlen Vargas Del Razo from her audio series called Encausarte (in Spanish): Encausarte #94: Suicidio y la Reinvención de Uno Mismo - which helped me reconsider my situation and inspire me to start this) is that after having experienced / gone through one of my more intense and extensive depressions a few years ago, - I was left with a passive emotion / feeling for having wished so much to have never existed and to cease to exist completely so as not to have to deal with all the drama that my life represents to myself and has represented for those who have known me, whom I have affected in one way or another with the consequences of my life / existence, where (as you might imagine) several times I considered committing suicide, but did not go further than just physically attacking myself by hitting my head hard with my fists once I was feeling so fed up with what I was thinking and feeling in the midst of that depression and even I went so far as to ingest high doses of some drugs to see if I could die of an overdose; but the only thing I got was to hurt myself physically and to have intense bad trips or personally terrifying psychedelic experiences that left some sequels / traumas in my mind, where I can say that fortunately I did not get any further because a part of me does not believe that suicide can be a true escape and much less a solution to nothing...; However, this desire is something that did not stop after I went through such depression and I consider that such desire in part leads me to justify the acceptance of continuing to relapse into my addictions and letting myself fall into the depths of it, because such desire It leads me to not being able to fully value my life and not being able to truly consider any purpose that I propose to myself, as well as not being able to align myself to do what is best for me and for others, because although I do not feel depressed / sad, I still have that desire / feeling that sometimes emerges and it is like that subconsciously leads me to justify various things that keep me stuck in my deficient personal programming, where I also see some emerging in my thoughts and backchats where I say / think that just as I did not ask to be born in this life; I don't understand why or what the hell I exist for... However, I have no idea of ​​everything and everyone that I have affected in this life (as well as myself) and I can even less imagine or know how much and how many I have affected this life / world if I consider that reincarnation exists (or existed) and that I have had other lives previously, so obviously it would seem very selfish of me to commit suicide or (if is possible) eliminate my existence entirely just because I have been through things that have been difficult for me to digest and understand at certain times and experiences in my life or for not having been able to become what I ideally wanted to be, so I can realize that such a desire is something capricious on my part and on not being able to fulfill such a whim of dying or ceasing to exist, the only thing that in reality I do was live capriciously without considering or valuing my life, as well as that of others.

Another thing that I could also observe was that such a desire was like the bottom of my depression, where after having immersed myself so much in my depression and isolation by participating every day in all those thoughts, backchats and emotions that made me suffer, - almost always I ended up neutralizing myself and generating a relaxing emotion / feeling by thinking / imagining what it would be like if I ceased to exist and / or had never existed, and then I could calm down myself and continue a little with the things that I should and I wanted to do, until slowly but surely I would repeat the same cycle of my depressions for continuing in my addictions or for going through any event that for me was something that discouraged me...; however this same desire / emotion / feeling that led me to calm down in the midst of my depressions; at the same time it led me to plunge into more depression by being calmer and / or animated / happy when such desire emerged automatically, manifesting as a polarity of so many within my mind.

---------------------------(Here it had finished my first blog in Spanish)---------------------------

Shortly after I published my first blog, I began to see other blogs, articles and other information related to my personal affairs and that generated several emotions for me to be seeing and understanding a little more about how and how much it affects me to continue in my addictions, more specifically in masturbation with porn... then I started to feel like vile shit and started to react emotionally... anyway, the point is that I started to feel shame for myself and considered that that was a good start for not to let myself fall into such addiction again and in part that has helped me to stay firm in that purpose; but on the other hand, it is like that such emotions pushed me to no longer want to follow up on the points that I had touched on in my first blog and I have been resisting quite a lot to forgive myself at such points and I have rambled between being entertaining watching the occasional movie and looking for information that is inspiring to continue blogging, but I know that this is a defense mechanism of my mind that refuses to change and therefore I prefer to just wander here and there instead of giving it follow-up to what has emerged in me lately. By what I say I do not mean that it is useless to read the content of blogs or the support information that other people share, as well as talking with someone; But if I only do that then obviously I am not going to follow up on my affairs or advance in my personal process, but even so, it is like I prefer to be watching / reading, listening to the information that others share, as well as to a large extent I prefer to be sharing / talking with someone else, even though I realize that such things that I share tend to only reinforce my personal position, since the most common is that I only regurgitate and reaffirm my memories every time I talk with someone... After feeling shame for seeing here and there that being addicted to masturbation with pornography is so harmful, I began to think that maybe I can only help others by giving them an example of what not to do / be in this life, since most of my life I have lived in the shadow of such addiction and as you can imagine, thinking about this crushes my self-esteem as well as my ego and not to mention my perspectives; However, I understand that these are just more ideas that only serve to justify myself and not want to change my lifestyle or perfect myself, so that idea only serves me to continue dragging my past to my present … So (previously) all that was leading me to have more depressive thoughts that little by little turned into hatred of myself, as well as hatred and envy towards others for thinking that most people do not have to deal with the heavy shit of being someone so trapped and screwed up for being addicted to mas… and after being honest with myself about what are the reasons that lead me to hate and envy others, I realized that I tend to envy those who can express themselves comfortably about his / her sexuality and / or making jokes or sharing funny memes about it, since for quite some time that has been a somewhat uncomfortable topic for me due to my personal situation in this regard, because I remember that for several years I used to feel uncomfortable when my friends were talking or making fun of something that involving sex and I just stood there neutralized while inside I felt pure sorrow for my old judgments of myself for being frustrated with my "sexuality".

So here I was able to realize that evidently I was only going from one sentimental / emotional polarity to another and right here I realized again that when I find myself in the negative polarity of my feelings, automatically emerge in me the tendency / impulse to seek a “quick fix / relief”, as after feeling somewhat touched by my situation a few days ago; - The following days I began to feel full of hatred, envy, depression and at the same time the desire to not exist began to emerge again so as not to have to deal with my affairs, where the easiest thing is to abandon myself and let myself be in conformity with my old and deficient personal programs and sedate myself in my own way as if it were a momentary suicide with which I only accelerate my death a little more...; and the most difficult thing is to keep moving and pushing myself to do what I have to do even if I don't have an ounce of motivation or hope of being able to change my life and correct my issues at this point in my life, as if I often wanted to find that "something else", like a prefabricated meaning and purpose so that I don't have to struggle to build them by myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop moving / pushing myself to do what I want and have to do for being frustrated with my life. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue abdicating my responsibility to correct myself in what since when I know that I have to take care of myself, for thinking, believing that it is useless to do my best. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prefer to sedate myself in my own way and screw myself more by continuing in my addictions by letting myself be carried away / controlled / immobilized by the emotion that arises in me every time I allow myself to immerse myself in that desire to cease to exist and never have existed in this life. I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to see myself realize and understand that by continuing to abdicate my responsibility I not only screw up and affect myself but I also screw up and affect others and life itself, directly and indirectly. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue allowing my desire to cease to exist was something considerable and even valid to justify my relapses in my addictions, as well as the insatiability and the respective consequences that I experience for believing that I already nothing matters every time I participate in my mind and I agree with this desire and the emotions that arise from it. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to "function" according to my energy polarities / moods, where to move to do what I have to do it is common that I depend on some feeling / positive energy that prompts me to move, just as the common impulse that moves me to do what I have to do when I plan that after doing some work I am going to reward myself with alcohol, drugs and / or masturbation to relax myself with the justification that I deserve it because I did something of work. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to devalue myself by thinking / believing that I am worth less than those who have sex normally. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have used this self-forgiving tool to stop feeling any guilt / shame every time I relapsed into my addiction, which led me to the extreme of being cynical with myself and with others to the degree of being able to accept and expose my personal situation of my addictions by ceasing to judge myself for forgiving myself without committing myself, without looking for a way to correct myself in it and without doing anything practical to carry it out. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself through justifying myself in / with my mind in one way or another so as not to feel any pain by continuing to relapse into my addictions. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek to feel truly / really shamed to use that shame as support to push me to do what is necessary to forgive and correct myself in my stagnation in my irresponsibility, while what I really did was participate in my thoughts and emotions / feelings that are related to shame, where I only created that emotional turmoil that made me value myself for a moment, and then move to the opposite polarity of feeling hatred and indifference for myself and for others. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let myself be guided by the defense mechanism of my mind that pushes me to wander, to want to entertain myself and to look for someone to talk to without seeing where my starting point is, where I usually do it only to reaffirm, regurgitate my memories and continue to agree with what I already know or what I largely understand, instead of following up on what I know I have to do and that I had already started previously, like this blog, to keep seeing and treating other points in myself and not get stuck in the same thing. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue regurgitating my memories and emotions by being alone while I’m thinking, feeling and speaking, just as I usually do when I am with someone else, instead of taking action and doing something about it, and if there is nothing to do then I can go on treating the points that I know I have to touch / treat in myself since for a long time ago. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe / consider so much the idea that “I can only help others by giving them an example of what not to do / be in this life”, without realizing or understand that by participating / considering that idea I only further justify my stagnation in my irresponsibility, as well as reinforce that demonic system / mind demon of feeling like I will never be good enough to change and perfect myself, where I give more feedback to my mind demon to participate and amplify my repetitive thoughts and emotions with what I consume a lot of vital / physical energy in just thinking and generating emotions / feelings in my day to day, without doing almost anything practical. (In order to make this S-F's I was inspired by this blog: What Characterize a Demon (Part One) since it is also related to the points I have written). I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue participating in this demonic system / mind demon of repetitive thoughts and emotions / feelings after seeing and understanding for myself that on the one hand this is what keeps me stuck in my irresponsibility. I commit to myself to keep moving to do what I know I have to do even if I don't feel the desire or motivation to do it or even if I find myself discouraged. I commit myself to move in and through the resistance that I experience whenever I am frustrated with my life and right here I commit myself to see and understand what and how the reasons / motives / justifications are for feeling frustrated and not wanting to do anything. I commit to myself to use my breath to stop participating in my desire not to exist and move to do something that is better for myself and for others. I commit myself to embracing my suffering, shame, anxiety, hatred, envy, and other uncomfortable emotions rather than seeking a "quick fix / escape" by sedating myself with alcohol, drugs, and masturbation with porn or any possible substitutes that only serve me to suppress my awkward internal affairs. I commit myself to stop relying on internal (such as positive thoughts and feelings) and external (such as alcohol, drugs, and masturbation with pornography) motivation to move to do what I really want and have to do. I commit myself to see shame as an indication that there is something I should observe in myself that can help me to grow, rather than seeing it as something I have to avoid or suppress or sedate to feel better. I commit myself to continue giving importance to continue with my process instead of wasting so much time entertaining myself by watching movies, series or listening to music. I commit myself to see where my starting point is every time I have the urge / anxiety to communicate with someone, to see if it’s really necessary for me to do so and if I don't find any good reason or motive to do so then I can direct myself to do something practical in my / the reality and / or in my process. --------(↓↓↓A personal observation to improve the way I will do my blogs later↓↓↓)---------

Recently I was seeing how a member of the Desteni-Universe group made her first blog and I liked how she did it because it was linear and simpler, since she asked the group members for support to give her tips on how to start doing their blogs. Then I realized that I am having some difficulties to start and continue blogging, on the one hand because of my resistance to writing my things and on the other hand because I did not ask for support to see how I could I started and I only did it as it occurred to me when writing the points that were emerging in me at the time, however I did not realize that I started by touching on a topic (“my stagnation in my irresponsibility”) that has several subtopics (“depression , addictions, suicide, etc ”) and each subtopic has several points to touch / deal with, so it is obvious that I am not doing it linearly and structurally by touching / treating one topic at a time and one point at a time, so now I understand that in part that has led me to feel overwhelmed and to resist enough to continue doing my blogs, since there are many things / points I want to deal with and more and more points, forgiveness and corrections of each subtopic are emerging and then I understand that this prevents me from carrying out my process in a more orderly manner, apart from the fact that it is more complex… well, then I will make my blogs considering this.